A few months ago, this video produced by Scofield Editorial, Inc. made the rounds virally among us creative industry types. It’s well done, and it poses a compelling question: what if customers in normal retail settings – where no one ever questions the price of things – behaved the way marketing people often treat their creative vendors? If you haven’t seen it, watch it.
Then read my response from the other side of the table .

The original video:

My tribe of creatives made this a minor YouTube sensation, with 1.1 Million views and climbing. Why? Because it’s true: the work we do is often not treated with the respect it deserves, or valued as highly as it ought to be – and certainly not as highly as we think it ought to be.

Which brings us to the other side. I remember my first experiences as a client-side marketing manager dealing with a big-city, big-ticket advertising firm. And I can tell you, clients aren’t the only ones with a problem saying “the price is the price”.

My response: a script for a viral YouTube video.

(Imagine it in a YouTube frame with millions of views under it. Then imagine laughing heartily and forwarding it to all your marketing industry buddies using the link below.)

• www.begtodiffer.com/2009/10/if-restaurants-charged-like-agencies

What if restaurants charged like creative agencies?

A Funny, Poignant, & Wildly Popular Viral Video

(© 2009 Dennis Van Staalduinen - contact me if you want to shoot this. But note that I call dibs on the waiter part.)

(Restaurant interior. Attractive professional couple is seen wrapping up their meal.  A somewhat arrogant-looking waiter is seen hovering in the background.)

(MALE DINER waves WAITER over to table.)

WAITER: (With a heavy euro accent) Yes sir. Everything is all right.

MALE DINER: Fine, fine.

WAITER: Of course it is.

MALE DINER: We’d just like to settle up.

WAITER: You will receive your bill then, yes? Wait one moment.

(WAITER LEAVES. FEMALE DINER leans toward MALE DINER, hushed voice)

FEMALE DINER: Are you going to tip him? He was obnoxious, arrogant, and he kept pushing stuff at us that was way different from what we ordered.

MALE DINER: Well yes, but we’re done now. Let’s just pay and get out of here…

FEMALE DINER: Then he through a hissy fit when I tried to send the undercooked beef back.

MALE DINER: He’s a creative soul honey, they’re sensitive…

FEMALE DINER: Oh, and then there was the “Brainstorming session” over the wine…

MALE DINER: Honey, we were looking for a creative option… Oh, shhh! He’s coming back!

(WAITER re-appears. Hands large portfolio to MALE DINER, who unzips and scans it)

MALE DINER: Oh, that’s very nice. Full colour. See that honey? Very creative presentation…

FEMALE DINER: (looking at price) Hey! $1,159! What’s going on here?!?! We only ordered $100 dollars worth of food and wine!

MALE DINER: What?(looks again) This is wrong. We asked you to help us keep our bill under $100!

WAITER: And I did. Look. Everything is itemized. Your food and wine came to $98.50 with a few dollars for tax.

MALE DINER: But we already paid you that weird $25 retainer when we walked in…

WAITER: Yes yes, standard industry practice.

MALE DINER: Then, you asked for a $50 fee when you brought our food…

WAITER: For phase 2 deliverables. Yes yes. All in the proposal I submitted, and all standard industry practice.

MALE DINER: Right, so I’ll give you $25, and… you can keep the change.

WAITER: (icily) Hup, hup, hup. Very generous sir. But. Let’s look at the invoice shall we?

(he snatches the bill and begins pointing and gesticulating)

You have forgotten about disbursements, expenses, colour photo-copying charges for menus and your bill, the standard kitchen service fees, revision fees for re-cooking your beef madame – that is not free! Then licensing fees for brainstorming music, licensing for third party ingredients in your food, professional consulting fees for the Chef and myself….

FEMALE DINER: (grabbing the bill back) And this item: “Yum Factory”. What is that?

WAITER: (changes tone to pride) Why, of course that is our proprietary kitchen management process. Presumably that’s why you came to us in the first place….

MALE DINER: No, we came because we were hungry, and because we had a bit of money left over in this month’s budget for one special meal, and we thought we’d go high end for once…

WAITER: Well, you forget that we have costs too! An expensive downtown location; exquisite interior design; silver cutlery; the owner’s new Aston Martin; our Foosball table – hmm?!?

FEMALE DINER: But we didn’t choose to spend money on those things, You did!

WAITER: Ah, but you chose US!  Perhaps next time you will consider not coming to a respected provider of high quality creative output, and instead go to some… some… street-corner taco stand!!

(pause)

MALE DINER: Say, honey. That’s not a bad idea. After those tiny portions and all that creative wanking, I’m still hungry.

FEMALE DINER: You’re right, a simple taco at a fair price sounds really good right about now.

(they leave)

WAITER: But wait… your bill!!

(gradually losing accent) Come back! We can negotiate!

We have this great Foosball table! Maybe I can let you play….

(he sits down dejected) Ah man. How am I going to pay for my accent lessons now?

(fade to black)

___________________________

That link again for forwarding:

• www.begtodiffer.com/2009/10/if-restaurants-charged-like-agencies

Again, if anyone wants to make this into a viral video sensation, let me know.

(NOMO part 4 of a series of 4) Don’t blame John Mc Cain. Or at least don’t blame him for his problems with “alphabet soup”. Most acronyms are actually “nomonyms” – our word for unhelpful abbreviations, to which we say “NOMO!” We also discussed initialisms like “IBM” – which are also usually a really bad idea. But acronyms are a whole different world of hurt, and some are so truly, and hilariously awful, they are in a class by themselves…

The 25 worst acronyms in the world

1. STUPID – St. Thomas University of Public International Diplomacy
An academic institution in Kenya (we didn’t make this up)

2. MHAAG–Mental Health Awareness and Advocacy Group
Harvard University group (we didn’t make this up)

3. SL**T – Sri Lanka Institute of Information Technology:
Name says it all (we didn’t make this up)

4. MOIST - MOntreal Internationalized Software Testing
A tech conference (we didn’t make this up)

5. RUMPS – Renal Unit Management Protocol System
From the Queen Elizabeth Hospital at the University of Birmingham (we didn’t make this up)

6. The PIIGS Group – Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, and Spain
International diplomacy (we didn’t make this up)

7. SHIN – Saskatchewan Health Information Network
It was almost dubbed Saskatchewan Health Information Technology System! (we didn’t make this up)

8. A*RSE – African Association of Remote Sensing of the Environment
Not-for-profits are guilty too (we didn’t make this up)

9. WinCE – Windows Compact Edition
Wince: to shrink or start involuntarily, as in pain or distress (we didn’t make this up)

10. FATCOLA – First American Trust Company Of Los Angeles:
Its on the side of their building! (we didn’t make this up)

11. NAMWOLF – National Association of Minority & Women Owned Law Firms
“Legal excellence knows no color or gender” (we didn’t make this up)

12. CINCUS – Commander in Chief of the US Fleet (pronounced “sink us”)
The highest rank in the US Navy, circa 1922 – 1945 (we didn’t make this up)

13. SIGTARP – The Office of the Special Inspector General for the Troubled Asset Relief Program
The guys who are saving the US economy (we didn’t make this up)

14. QAHCAA – Quality, Affordable Health Care for All Americans
Obama’s 2009 health care plan (we didn’t make this up)

15. SUX – Sioux Gateway Airport
They got the short end of the airport acronym stick – but check out their Web site www.flysux.com to see how they’re making the best of it – possibly even turning it to an advantage? (we didn’t make this up)

16. MILF – Moro Islamic Liberation Front
And don’t forget the political extremist groups (we didn’t make this up)

Some claim that this is the worst acronym ever:

17. PUMCODOXPURSACOMLOPOLAR – Pulse Modulated Coherent Doppler-Effect X-Band Pulse-Repetition Synthetic-Array Pulse Compression Side Lobe Planar Array (we didn’t make this up)

But the Beg to DIFFER grand prize goes to… the US Armed Forces for the sheer quantity of hilarious, and sometimes fitting, acronyms.

US Armed forces – the granddaddies of acronym abuse:

18. MANPADS – Man-portable air-defense systems
(we didn’t make this up)

19. DILD* – Direct Input Limited Duty Officer
(we didn’t make this up)

20. iBOM (“I bomb”) – Ionizing Brownout Mitigation System
(we didn’t make this up)

21. ASRAAM – Advanced Short Range Air-to-Air Missile
(we didn’t make this up)

22. AS*BAG – Airframe Structure Support Boeing Advisory Group
(we didn’t make this up)

23. AARG – Affordable Accurate Robot Guidance
(we didn’t make this up)

24. IPODS – Integrated Precision Ordnance Delivery System
(we didn’t make this up)

25. S*IT – Store High in Transit
(we didn’t make this up)

 The whole NOMO series:

• Part 1: NOMO unhelpful abbreviations in government
• Part 2: an abbreviation is not a brand.
• Brief: NOMO in the Ottawa Citizen
• Part 3: a good acronym is hard to find
• Part 4: the world’s 25 worst acronyms.

Can the "reasonable consumer" determine if the Crunchberry is real?

First, though, let us take a moment to grieve for the famed Crunchberry, recently determined to be not real fruit.  Gasp!

A California woman recently filed a complaint with the U.S. District Court that she had been purchasing ”Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries” for the past four years in the belief that she was eating real, live “Crunchberries,” and only recently became aware that they are in fact just sugary cereal.  The complaint centred on the ability of the “reasonable consumer” to distinguish between the obviously fake Crunchberries with a make-believe name, and real fruit.

The judge cited numerous examples of the manufacturer, Quaker, clearly indicating through its packaging that the product contains “sweetened corn & oat cereal.”  The judge went on to state that, “The survival of the … claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense.  The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen.”

So, score one for the reasonable consumer.  And, score one for Quaker and Cap’n Crunch – so far into the hearts and minds of consumers that we almost added a new species to the berry family.  Almost.

And when I say “consumer” I mean “consumer”. But unlike the objects of our host’s consumption, this way of thinking should never be a “sometimes food” for smart differs.

But the big question is: which of these plates are you going to buy?